I Love a Man Who Cleans

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So You Say You Want to Have Kids?

A friend posted this on Facebook the other day, and I laughed so hard I just had to share it. 
Thinking about having kids? Do this 11-Step Program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Ten Things That Are NOT Okay

Under the topic of totally random, I'm taking a break from party planning to delight you with a top ten list. Because I know you 've been wondering, just what really drives me crazy.

Drumroll please.......

10. Asking "Does this make me look fat?" If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.

9. When my son splashes so much bath water that it begins to make it's way down the hall.

8. Women who wear pants with words across the butt.

7. When people use text language in normal conversation. OMG LOL!

6. Mass email forwards.

5. People who quote the Bible, yet have no idea of the context of what they're quoting.

4. People who use the drive-up ATM to do seven transactions. For goodness sakes, get out of your car and stop holding up the line!

3. Jon and Kate. I'm over it.

2. The Old Navy commercials with the talking manequins. Creepy.

1. Hot Dog and Hot Dog buns packaging. Is it really that hard to package a product that matches up to it's counter part?

So tell me, what is NOT okay with you?

The Things Kids Say...

Being a mommy has it's ups and downs. Between the tantrums and the fits and the screaming, there are many laughs. I thought I'd share some of the things that have been making me laugh.

Lately, my son has been "outing" himself. 

These conversations usually take place with us calling from the other room when he's been unusually quiet.
Me: Cooper?
Him: I not doing anything!
Me: Really?
Him: I not jumping on the couch!

See what I mean?

Of course I know he is surely doing something.

Me: Cooper?
Him: I not going in the office! (as he's walking out of the office, which is off limits and usually locked - oops!)

Rick: Cooper, what was that? (from the other room, upon hearing a "thud")
Cooper: I not throwing anything!
Rick: What did you throw?
Cooper: I not throwing the dinosaur!

Sometimes you just have to laugh! I mean, c'mon, how can I punish him when he's being so cute??

Taken at the new "Pirate Park" near our house on a preschool field trip (hence the purple shirt)

Job Description of a Parent

Came across this the other day, and thought it was pretty cute and just had to share!!

SO YOU WANT TO BE A PARENT?

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term player needed for challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings, weekends, and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far-away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must keep this job for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety testing, as well as floor maintenance and janitorial work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of end product.

ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: There is no possibility of either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES: None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income you have left.

BENEFITS: There is no health nor dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options. However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life.

The Things Kids Say...

The funniest conversations have been taking place at our house lately. These kids crack me up and really keep us on our toes!


Cooper: "Don't do that or I will be angry!" (Said to me while walking away, after I threatened to take something away from him).


Me: "Cooper?" (Calling from the other room)
Cooper: "I not doing anything!" (which of course means he is most defininitely doing something - in this case, he was pouring soap into the sink).


Cooper: "I Superman!!" (wearing my bra on his head like a cape). Yes, I took pictures. No, I'm not going to post them here.


G: "Cooper's throwing the pillows and blocks on the floor."
Me (knowing he's making a fort): "It's fine. I don't care about that anymore." (annoyed, but some things are just not worth the fight).
G: "Do you still care about jumping on the bed?"
Me: "Yes."
G: "How about jumping on the couch?"

It has been such a long weekend, and I am exhausted. At least I've got these little beauties to look back at!