Adoption - Fate or Chance?

I recently came across this article about Sandra Bullock.

In the article, Sandra, who adopted her son earlier this year, talks about what she believes about adoption. She says, "Everything works out the way the universe wants it to work out. We had always said that it didn't matter where the child came from. If they had issues that were medical issues, we didn't care. It's like the child that needed us in the home is the child that's going to be placed."

I've read conflicting things on this topic of fate in adoption. From everything happens for a reason, to life is a game of chance. Some believe that God placed these children in their lives, and vice versa, others wonder why a loving God would put a child in harm's way just so others could be parents.

While this is far too philisophical a topic for me to tackle, it did make me think.

So here's what I believe:
- I believe that God led me to adoption.
- I believe that the child who needed me at the time "found" me at the time I needed him.
- I believe that we were meant for each other.
- I believe that I could not love my son any more if it was "fate" or simply by chance that we were brought together.

What do YOU believe?

From The Heart

A couple of months ago, I was invited to participate in an anthology of parents stories and poems. Write For Charity, a non-profit organization, created "From the Heart: Stories & Poems From the Frontlines of Parenting." I submitted my adoption story the night before the deadline, and low and behold, my story was chosen out of 500 to be one of 100 stories published. What an honor!

The project is to support children's charities, specifically Children's Hospitals and St. Jude Research. As a mommy, this makes it a project close to my heart. I can't imagine what I would do if I ever had to take advantage of the organizations this book is supporting, for my own son, but I am grateful to know they are there to help.

I hope you will take some time to read the information posted here about this collaboration, and consider purchasing a book.

Q: Tell me a little bit about this project.
A: From the Heart is the brainchild of the ladies at Write for Charity. After finding out that her youngest daughter needed surgery, our chief editor, Beth Davis, felt a driving urge to make a difference in the lives of children, particularly sick children. The idea of writing a book for charity had been thrown around our office for some time, but she jumped in with both feet to get it moving. Understanding that writing a book in a short period of time would be an unrealistic task, the ladies went full steam ahead in search of collaborators.  They searched magazines, the blogosphere and writers groups from around the country for the best and brightest writing talent they could find, extending invitations as they went. After sorting through over 300 submissions over the course of several months, From the Heart was born. The book is a creative collaboration of nearly 100 different stories and poems from all aspects of parenting. July 1 was the kickoff to our 90 Day Challenge and we’ve been moving ahead with book sales ever since!

Q. What is the 90 Day Challenge?
 A: The 90 Day Challenge is a book sales drive that represents a goal that we set for ourselves and the collaborative authors who are choosing to participate. The goal is to jumpstart sales of From the Heart in the first 90 days by selling 10,000 copies of the book and raising a large lump sum of money for charity immediately.  The book is currently only available for sale on our website at http://www.writeforcharity.com/, but it will be available at many other retail locations following the 90 Day Challenge.

Q: Why not make it available through a national distribution channel during your 90 Day Challenge?
 A: We elected to sell the book at www.writeforcharity.com during 90 Day Challenge and wait to distribute the book into bookstores like Barnes and Noble and Borders and on website like Amazon.com due to the costs associated with a distributor. By selling the book on our website, we are able to control in house costs, raise profit margins and, in turn, donate more money to our selected charities.

Q. Who will benefit from this project? 
A: The desire to contribute to children’s charities has driven this project from the very beginning. Since the minute we decided to publish this book, we knew that children’s hospitals and juvenile disease research foundations would be the beneficiaries when it came to fruition. All of the profits from this book will be split between various Children’s Hospitals and St. Jude’s Children’s Research Center.

Q: So, 100% of proceeds from this project go to charity?
A: One hundred percent of profits will go to our selected charities. Obviously with a project like this, you have printing costs, but other than that, we have committed all of the funds to our selected charities. Our authors have donated their work, our editors have donated their time and our graphics people have donated their talent. We are very lucky to have such a wonderful group of talented people involved in this project.  For a list of contributors, visit www.writeforcharity.wordpress.com/the-authors. 

Q: Tell us something we don’t know about your project.  
A: Well, the biggest thing would definitely have to be the caliber of our contributors. We have several nationally recognized writers in our group of nearly 80 contributors and many of our contributors have been featured in nationally distributed publications, on popular websites or on television. Their willingness to donate their work to our cause is admirable and I know that everyone who reads this volume will enjoy their poems and stories. Together with our contributors, we have begun a grassroots effort to raise funds for our wonderful charities that is growing by the day. Their eagerness to help get the word out about the book is admirable and we appreciate their support.

Q: What’s it in for me to support this project?
A: The charity situation on a national level has taken a severe beating as of late. Many incidents of run ins with unsavory “charities” have appeared in the media in the past several years. Many individuals and companies have completely lost trust in those trying to do good work because of a few “bad eggs.” Many individuals have contributed time and effort to put this project together. Our authors contributed their work out of the kindness of their hearts and our editor, layout artist and designers all contributed time as well. Because they believe in the mission behind this project, to help children in need, we hope you will take the time to support us and purchase a copy of the book. The book in itself is a fantastic product and by purchasing, you are helping a good cause.

Q: How can I support Write for Charity’s From the Heart?
A: There are a number of different things you can do to support the project. First and foremost, you can click here to buy a book!  On our website, we have the ever popular blog buttons which I have starting seeing crop up all over cyberspace. You are welcome to download the “supporter” button for your own website if you are so inclined. This is the first anthology we have done and with the success we are already seeing with it, we know it won’t be the last. Contact one of our editors at press@writeforcharity.com for more information on how you can contribute to one of our upcoming projects or help to support our current project.

My Best Friend is Pregnant

Yup. Due February 25, 2011.

I'm happy for her. Mostly. I think.

Yes, definitely happy for her, but, sad for me. I wonder how long it will take for that sadness to go away. I keep thinking, here we go, another baby shower, another trip to the hospital maternity ward where my son was born and I wasn't there to hold him.

My son was born to a drug addicted mother in September of 2007 in a local hospital. I had been to that hospital just nine months prior, to see my best friend's firstborn son less then 24 hours after his birth. I was the only person outside of family she would allow into the room, and I'm sure that this next birth will be no different. Except that it will be different. I am different.

That day I went to visit her, I struggled with my emotions as I was in the midst of a waiting game - diagnosed with infertility, and waiting for my adoption placement. I cried on the way to the hospital and I cried all the way home.

It's been nearly three years. Nearly three years since my son was born in that same hospital to the drug addicted mother. The same hospital that my best friend will give birth in and my future god-child will take his or her first breaths. The same hospital that I will be expected to visit.

I imagine walking down the hall, wondering if this is the same room that my son was born in, if these were the same nurses who held him and cared for him. I'll pass the NICU and feel the pangs of guilt that I wasn't there to hold him when he was there, struggling. I'll watch mothers leaving in wheelchairs holding their newborns close, protecting them from harm, and long to share that same memory.

Yes, I'm grateful that I have my son, and I'm grateful to the woman who gave birth to him. But I don't know how I'm going to walk into that hopital knowing that I couldn't be there when he needed me the most.

Yes, I'm happy for my friend, but this time it will be different, because I'm different.

The Grief That Comes with Infertility

I want to say first, that most of this post was written a couple of years ago to be shared with a group of adoptive mothers, many of whom have struggled or are struggling with infertility. I'm sharing it here, as support for other IF women; you are not alone, your feelings are valid, and don't let anyone tell you different.

The first baby shower I went to after being diagnosed with IF (and before adoption) was for my best friend I've known since Jr. High. I had never dreaded anything more in my life. I went, because she had always supported me through everything, and I was genuinely happy for her, but it was very hard for me.

She had asked me to be the "official photographer," so I brought my camera and while people were still arriving, I went outside to take pictures of the decorations, tables, and gifts. As soon as I stepped outside I started to cry. I had to go around to the side of the house and compose myself before rejoining the party. I didn't even tell my friend about this breakdown until a year after her son was born.

A year after I brought my son home, when I thought I was well past the sadness, my small "Mommies Only" Bible Study group had a baby shower for two of our members. Again, I was dreading it, but went anyway. They played those stupid baby shower games (I realize some people like the games, but I'm just not one of them). The first game was all about prenancy myths. Ugh. I didn't play; I just couldn't do it. A well-meaning friend asked why I wasn't playing and I gave the generic shrug, "I don't like games." But you know what I wanted to say? "Well, since I have never been, nor will I ever be, pregnant, I have no idea what the answers could be, so it would be pointless for me to play, thankyouverymuch," because that's how I felt. After the games they opened their gifts; and then came the stories about childbirth and labor, and blah, blah, blah...that's when I went back to the kitchen to help clean up. I was so glad when that was over!

Friends and family have been so supportive of me going through IF and adoption, that I feel I should be there supporting them, so as not to seem ungrateful or selfish. I don't enjoy it, it makes me sad, and I just don't wanna go (*stamping feet and crossing arms*)!

I entered adoption feeling that I had completely grieved not being able to give birth to a child; to see myself in my child's eyes or smile; and for the most part, I had. I was happy for friends who were pregnant, and had stopped tearing up when I saw a pregnant woman or walked by the maternity clothing store. But the baby showers...ouch.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have a wonderful, committed relationship. He and his ex-wife get along like great friends, and she and I have reached that point as well. They have two beautiful children between them, and while I love those kids as if they were my own, there is some sadness at what I will never have. While we're happy with the children we have between us, I know that I will never have the connection with him that she has, and that is at times, incredibly difficult for me.

Adopting as a single mom, I didn't experience that same "guilt" that some IF women have, not being able to "give" their partner a biological child. I had never thought about infertility as something I would never share with my partner. I look at Rick with his son and daughter and can see the combination of their parents in their faces, in fact, I find myself looking for it, and it just makes me sad, not because of what I can't give him, but because it's a part of him that I will never be able to share.

So does all of this mean I'm really not done grieving? I don't know. I think any loss of this magnitude takes years upon years to grieve, but it will always be with you. Infertility is a part of who I am, and who I will never be. It's like a death, it's not something you can just "get over" or "forget," but something that takes time, lots of it to learn to accept and to heal. And I'm ok with that.

Ten Things to NOT say to an Adoptive Parent

Adoption is a sensitive issue, and people who have not experienced it, cannot begin to imagine what it's really like. I want to emphasize that this post is not to make me appear defensive, and I do not intend to offend anyone, but rather to keep it somewhat light-hearted. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it's my responsibility to my son, to educate others on positive and negative language surrounding adoption. While I believe that people generally are not trying to be insensitive, the words that come out of their mouths sometimes just make me want to smack them.

I have had strangers, and even friends, ask the following questions or make the following comments:

1. He looks just like you, it was meant to be! or He looks just like he could be yours!
No, he really doesn’t. We may both have fair skin, or similar noses, but I am completely aware of the fact that he does not share my DNA, and really don't need to be reminded of it. Just tell me he's beautiful - I will happily agree even if I can’t take credit for that.

2. How much did he cost?
Got him on sale, and I had a coupon!! Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.

3. Do you know anything about his real mother?"
I am his real mother. I am going to raise him, sit with him when he is sick, bandage his owies, and pay for college. His birth mother gave birth to him, and for that I will always be grateful, but he is mine and I am his real mother.

4. Are you going to have any children of your own?
See above. He is my own son and I will love him more than you can know.

5. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Sorry, it's physically impossible, and unless God decides Jesus needs a sister, I will not become pregnant now that I have adopted. Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant three months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting, so it's better not to mention this to families adopting their first child.

6. Was his mom on drugs? Are you worried he might have problems later on?
Darn! I forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! First of all, the circumstances regarding my son's birth are none of your business, thankyouverymuch. He's my son, and if any medical issues arise, I will deal with them the same as you would your children.

7. Why did they take him away? or Why did she give him away/give him up?
Again, none of your beeswax! "They" did not "take him away," and she did not "give him away" or "give him up." Parental rights of the birthparents are terminated for specific reasons, because it is in the best interest of the child for their safety and well being. (In the case of open adoptions, the positive language would be to say that the birthmother "chose adoption.")

8. Are you going to tell him he's adopted?
The noneofyourbusinessgetoutofmyface response is becoming wildly popular. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of his life story and he will know from day one that he is incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.

9. Is he yours? (I haven't personaly heard this one, but other's have, so it's worth sharing, and it's the one I have the best answer to)
Nope, he's on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking him for a test drive to see if I want to keep him. (Here's your sign...)

And my personal favorite...

10. He's so lucky.
Correction, I am the lucky one. He has changed my life in ways you can only imagine.

And because I don't like posts with no pictures...see how lucky I am?

A Journey of Faith - My Adoption Story

My idea of starting this blog, was to share recipes, and other homemaking ideas, but I feel compelled to share my story as well. So, here it is...

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

My adoption journey began when I was about 16 or 17 years old. I used to joke with my best friend that I have such a low pain tolerance, I would not be able to handle childbirth, and would have to adopt. Little did I know, that God had planted a seed in me that I would not fully come to recognize for 13 years.

The dream of ever becoming pregnant came to a screeching end with these words: "You have Premature Ovarian Failure (aka early menopause). The only way you will have a chance to become pregnant is with donor eggs." They hit me like a mack truck. Seriously? I was 24 years old! So I cried, I prayed, and I scoured the internet, bought a book, and was determined that I would get pregnant. I chose a fertility specialist, knowing that the younger I was, the better my chances of conceiving, no matter the method. Donor embryo was the only option at this point. There was a myriad of tests, procedures, and home therapies, some painful, both physically and emotionally.

After six months, I was told that I would have about a 24% chance of actually achieving pregnancy through implantation, and the odds that it would be a successful pregnancy were not great, but that the choice to attempt to conceive was mine. I decided to go for it - after all, it may be my only chance. A few weeks later, feeling very unsure of myself and my decisions up to that point, I was walking with a friend and crying and praying out loud, begging God to please hit me with the answer - WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? The next day, my body made the decision for me. I spoke to a nurse and told her what had happened. Her response? "Well, that's not good. We'll have to postpone the procedure for another month." My response? "No, I'm done." I had asked God for an answer, and I got one. Pregnancy was not for me. Childbirth, looking into my own eyes, seeing my smile reflected on my child's face; these things, these simple, wonderful, beautiful things, were not for me. I was devastated and heartbroken, and yet knew there was a plan. I felt it, and through my tears, I thanked God, for helping me to close that door, and to open another. I began looking into adoption.

Many adoptive parents have a saying - "Adoption is not for sissies." Never has a more perfect and true statement been uttered. I chose to go through County Social Services in their "Concurrent Planning" program (fostering to adopt). When you decide to adopt, your life is examined, your choices and lifestyle put under a magnifying glass. There were statements to write, extensive forms and questionaires to fill out, physicals to take, and classes - lots of classes - to sit through. It took about nine months from the time I sat in the first class to the moment I was certified and considered "in matching," or waiting for a placement. It was September of 2006.

I finally received a call in March of 2007. There was a baby boy, just two months old, waiting for a family. I had the presentation, said yes, and then waited. There was some indecision on the part of the current foster family, and on the day I was supposed to receive this little boy, the dreaded call came that the family had decided to adopt him. Devestation again. So I packed up the baby clothes and crib bedding, and sat to wait again.

The next call came in June. A little boy, 15 months old. I wavered, not sure if it was right, but said yes. Carlos was with me for three amazing months. He was a very strong and sweet little boy, but because of a mistake made on the part of the investigating worker, he was returned to his grandparents on September 17. More devestation; I spent two days in tears and was ready to give up. Once again, baby items were packed away.

A third phone call came in November of 2007. There was again a presentation, a photo for me to take, a choice to make. I said yes again. This time there were issues with another family member, and I sat on pins and needles for two weeks, not telling many people about this child; the child who I would eventually call "Cooper," who would be my son.

Cooper was born on September 18, 2007; one day after Carlos left my home. One day after. That's God's perfect timing. There was a plan in all of this, that started when I was 16 and came to fruition at 30 years of age. I look back now, and realize how I have been blessed; by the children I cannot give birth to, by the one I never met, and by the one I rocked to sleep for three months. But the most gracious blessing of all, is the one I call my son, who I love fiercely, and marvel at every new discovery; who challenges me every day. My road to motherhood was paved with brokenness, but I am so grateful for the journey.

In the beginning...November 20, 2007

My little man today, at two and a half years old!!!