Betty Crocker Wannabe has MOVED! I am now blogging solely at A Simply Klassic Home. I am still sharing printables, party ideas, and other inspiration. It's much more streamlined and clean. I hope you will stop by and say follow along there! I have lots of ideas for new printables coming this holiday season!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ten Things to NOT say to an Adoptive Parent

Adoption is a sensitive issue, and people who have not experienced it, cannot begin to imagine what it's really like. I want to emphasize that this post is not to make me appear defensive, and I do not intend to offend anyone, but rather to keep it somewhat light-hearted. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it's my responsibility to my son, to educate others on positive and negative language surrounding adoption. While I believe that people generally are not trying to be insensitive, the words that come out of their mouths sometimes just make me want to smack them.

I have had strangers, and even friends, ask the following questions or make the following comments:

1. He looks just like you, it was meant to be! or He looks just like he could be yours!
No, he really doesn’t. We may both have fair skin, or similar noses, but I am completely aware of the fact that he does not share my DNA, and really don't need to be reminded of it. Just tell me he's beautiful - I will happily agree even if I can’t take credit for that.

2. How much did he cost?
Got him on sale, and I had a coupon!! Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.

3. Do you know anything about his real mother?"
I am his real mother. I am going to raise him, sit with him when he is sick, bandage his owies, and pay for college. His birth mother gave birth to him, and for that I will always be grateful, but he is mine and I am his real mother.

4. Are you going to have any children of your own?
See above. He is my own son and I will love him more than you can know.

5. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Sorry, it's physically impossible, and unless God decides Jesus needs a sister, I will not become pregnant now that I have adopted. Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant three months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting, so it's better not to mention this to families adopting their first child.

6. Was his mom on drugs? Are you worried he might have problems later on?
Darn! I forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! First of all, the circumstances regarding my son's birth are none of your business, thankyouverymuch. He's my son, and if any medical issues arise, I will deal with them the same as you would your children.

7. Why did they take him away? or Why did she give him away/give him up?
Again, none of your beeswax! "They" did not "take him away," and she did not "give him away" or "give him up." Parental rights of the birthparents are terminated for specific reasons, because it is in the best interest of the child for their safety and well being. (In the case of open adoptions, the positive language would be to say that the birthmother "chose adoption.")

8. Are you going to tell him he's adopted?
The noneofyourbusinessgetoutofmyface response is becoming wildly popular. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of his life story and he will know from day one that he is incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.

9. Is he yours? (I haven't personaly heard this one, but other's have, so it's worth sharing, and it's the one I have the best answer to)
Nope, he's on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking him for a test drive to see if I want to keep him. (Here's your sign...)

And my personal favorite...

10. He's so lucky.
Correction, I am the lucky one. He has changed my life in ways you can only imagine.

And because I don't like posts with no pictures...see how lucky I am?

10 comments:

Tylaine said...

Beautiful pic!
(now I feel like a dork cause I said one of those to you....so sorry *turning red*)

NorCalMom said...

Adorable picture and wonderfully written post.

Angela @ A Mama's Two Cents Worth... said...

Nicely put. Over to visit from NFF!
Angela
amamas2centsworth.blogspot.com
***giveaway going on right now, please drop by and check it out.

Lana said...

Good to know, it is hard for people to understand your struggle...I love this post though. FOrgive us, sometimes me get that word vomit...and do not realize what we say.

Terra H. said...

Hello! Stopping by from New Friend Friday and am now a follower. What a wonderful post. You are right. He is yours. That's what matters. Not what he may have cost or any other mundane info that no one else even needs to know. He's a cutie!

Ferret Finds said...

Your attitude is awesome. I'm followin. LOL

potandkettle said...

I clicked a link, that took me to a link, that led me to you. (Wish I could remember exactly how I got here, but I'm glad I did, none the less.)

I, too, am an adoptive parent and my daughter is from China. While I've had many, many of the same asinine questions, mine grow deeper and darker because we chose international adoption. Someone with rather large cajones accused me of leaving homeless children in the US with our "choice." I told her right then and there it was a nice foreign car she was driving and way to shut out our Detroit auto workers. She was mad. I smiled. We both went our own ways.

Tolerance is something I'm practicing, but have been failing at lately, especially with a rash of asshattery at my kiddo's school.

I think you were poignant in your responses and hit the nail head on. I'll be back to see what else you have going on 'round here.

Be well...

Carissa said...

We adopted twins.....I think my favorite one I hear is "oh did you get to choose a boy and a girl" -- you have no idea how much I want to say to these people "yep went to the girl store and said she looks cute we will take her and then went to the boy store and did the same" really people TWINS....one womb, two eggs, two sperm...no store, no choice of gender....period. I usually answer with a smile and walk away as they are with me but one day...soon I will grow some big ones and say what I really want to say when my kids are out of ear shot.

And the first time I hear that one or both of my children look like me I will laugh in the person's face....they are obviously Asian, I am a pasty white American -- but I see it coming.

The Fifield Kail Family! said...

perfectly put!
I actually had a great grandmother who would forget that we weren't Biologically related and tell me that my son takes after uncle Bill or looks like my cousin Patrick... We would just start busting up laughing and she would say well family's just family and you don't think of them any different and to her it was. She was the best G. G. She taught handicapped children for 45 years and was just the best!

Colleen said...

Ha! We have matching blogs! Let's be blog buddies! I feel like I'm already in love with you!

http://ranunculusadventure.blogspot.com/2011/02/eleven-things-not-to-say-to-couple-who.html