Today is National Adoption Day

Today also happens to be our own personal adoption day, or "Gotcha Day." It was the day I held my son in my arms for the first time. It was the first time I was called "Mom." The first time I felt there was something in this world that was bigger than me. The first time my life truly revolved around another human being. It was the first time I could say I was truly living the life I was destined to live.

I thought it fitting that I share a post I wrote a while back, about this very day, three years ago...

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I've shared various parts of my adoption story; how I came to choose adoption, our finalization day and choosing the date, and some of the steps along the way. Today, I'd like to share the most precious story of our journey.

The day we met.

November, 2007

I was waiting for the phone call, the one that said my baby was ready for me.

At birth, my son had been placed with a wonderful foster mother who had taken great care of him for the first nine weeks of his life. I had already had the presentation, received photos, and waited on pins and needles while a judge decided my child's fate.

I received the call from my Social Worker on November 19, saying that we were clear, and I could finally meet my baby. The plan was for me to go and visit with him the next day, on a Tuesday evening, and come back to pick him up and take him home the following day.

Monday night was filled with much preparation and anticipation. I washed bedding, set up the nursery, and bought an infant car seat and a few outfits, including a "Baby's First Thanksgiving" outfit, since the holiday was just three days away. My purchases were still in my car when I went to visit the foster mom's house the next day.

I barely slept that night, and just plowed through work the next day, as it was really NOT where I wanted to be. I even agonized over what to wear, because, you know, first impressions and all.

The thirty minute car ride to the foster mother's house, I just kept telling myself to breathe. I was about to meet my child for the first time.

When I pulled up, I realized my Social Worker wasn't there yet, and I was 20 minutes early. My heart was racing as I walked up the pathway to the front door and rang the bell.

A child answered, and went to get her mother, who came down the hall with an infant wrapped in a soft blue and white striped blanket. Tears filled my eyes as she placed the baby in my arms. 

"Here's your baby," she said, smiling; and to my son, "Meet your Mama."

I just held him and looked at him for the next 30 minutes until the Social Workers arrived. Like I mentioned, the plan was that this would be just a visit and I would come back and pick him up the next evening. The foster mom questioned the Social worker, "Why can't she just take him home tonight?"

I don't think I took a breath for the next minute while the Social Workers pondered her suggestion.

"I guess that would be ok." That's when my mind started racing. Could I really do this alone? "Do you have a car seat?"

I told the Social Worker I had purchased the car seat, but hadn't even taken it out of the box yet. That had been on tonight's agenda! They set it all up for me while I just got to hold my baby.

I signed the paperwork, gathered up his belongings, said goodbye to the Social Workers and hugged the foster mom. We were off to start our lives together.

I remember praying in my heart as I secured him in the car, asking God for guidance, and above all thanking him for the most precious gift of my life.

We Have Allergies

I finally took the plunge and had allergy skin tests performed on Cooper last week. It was awful.

I had to hold my baby down while they poked him in the back with needles 22 times.

He kicked, he cried, he screamed "Please stop!" I tried really hard not to do the same. It was heart-wrenching.

Then I had to keep him from itching his back as welts started appearing almost immediately.

On a scale of one to five, he scored a four on peanuts, walnuts, eggs, shellfish, cats, dogs, dust mites and mold. He also had significant reactions to sesame and a few other things.

They made me watch a video on dust mites. I came home and, feeling like the worst mother in the world, stripped the kids' bedroom of every sheet, blanket, and curtain and washed them all, vacuuming and cleaning as best as I could. They also sent me home with inhalers, and other asthma medication, as it's presumed that he may have asthma as well.

I suppose the best thing out of all of this, is that now we know. Not having any family history as a guide, I never knew if there was a higher risk with any of the more common allergens.

We are now in a period of adjustment. This week has been completely overwhelming for me, and every little thing seems to send me into a tailspin. My body is reacting to the stress worse than it ever has. On top of all of the allergy testing, we were down to one car this week and had a huge repair bill we had to take care of, plus added stress at work and numerous other incidentals.

I guess I'm angry. I'm angry that I had to subject my son to such painful testing. I'm angry that I have no family history to fall back on. I'm angry that I never took his "dislike" or certain foods seriously. I'm angry that we are now having to change our lifestyles to accommodate all of these allergies. I'm angry that he will now be labeled as "that kid" in his class.

We went to a party today and the host had made cake pops for the kids to eat instead of having a large cake. Cooper chose one and started to eat it. After a minute he came back to me and said, "Mommy, I don't like peanut butter." His mouth started to hurt and his throat was itchy, but thankfully, a little Benadryl got him feeling better. I assumed the host knew and I hadn't even thought to ask what was in them. I'm angry at myself for that too.

Like I said, we are in a period of adjustment, but I'm faithful that God is walking beside, holding my hand and wiping my tears. The cake pop incident was a wake up call for me, and I know now that I have to be on top of my game all of the time.

Navigating The Foster Care System

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on the foster care system or adoption. I can only share my own thoughts based on my own experiences. The purpose is simply to bring awareness to foster care and adoption during National Adoption Month.

First of all, what is foster care? Foster care is a temporary home for a child who cannot live with their birth family. A foster parent is a mother or father to a child in need of love and security. Foster parents provide what cannot be bought - love, concern, safety and understanding. Foster parents are married, single, separated, divorced or living with a partner. They are working parents and homemakers.

A Foster Parent is someone who

   • wants to make a difference in the life of a family.
   • can make room in their home and heart for children who need temporary care.
   • is flexible and capable of handling stressful situations.
   • can work as a member of a team with families, social workers and other professionals.
   • can help prepare a child for return to their birth family or to be adopted.
   • may become an adoptive parent.

Entering the foster care system, I wasn't really sure what to expect. As a child, I had known families who were foster parents, but really didn't know much about the system itself. When my life took an unexpected turn and I was faced with minimal choices for parenthood, I chose foster care adoption for two reasons: affordability, and guarantee.

The entire licensing process took about eight months.

First up was an informational class, in which they talked about what to expect in the system, why children enter the system, and the basic requirements of those becoming licensed foster parents.

The next step was training classes. Think "Social Services 101." The purpose of the training is to prepare the prospective foster parents in their new role, guiding them through the issues they will be dealing with as a foster parent. Classes met twice a week for six weeks.

During training, I was required to produce various documents, including, medical forms, birth certificates, and proof of income. There was homework, articles to read, extensive paperwork to fill out, and an essay to write.

We were able to network with other potential parents, meet several social workers, and even have a chance to meet foster and adoptive parents and foster children who had aged out of the system. It was amazing to get all of the different perspectives they offered. There were also two eight hour Saturday classes specific to adoption.

Once the classes were completed, it was time to prepare for the homestudy. Dun-dun-dun!

It's actually not as scary as people think it is. A Social Worker is assigned to you, and they stay with you through the entire process, so you really get to know them and it's wonderful to have them on your side. She was there when my first foster child left, and she was there in the courtroom the day my son's adoption was finalized.

For the Homestudy, there are several things required in order to get your home ready. Making your house appear as though it belongs in a magazine, however, is not one of them. I, along with most who go through this process, was so nervous about the homestudy, making sure my home was spotless. It was pretty much a waste of time to dust the top of the fridge and scrub the inside of the cabinets, because she didn't check them. They will give you a list of things, like having fire extinguishers, putting cleaning supplies & knives up high, and making sure your pool is gated. Clean your house, of course, but show quality is not what they are looking for.

Once the homestudy was complete, I just had to wait for approval, which took about two weeks. I was approved and in matching by mid-September 2006. I brought my son home in November of 2008. You can read all about what happened during that time here.

There are many different types of licenses, including Emergency Shelter Housing (ESH) (less than 30 days), foster care (children are expected to be returned to their birth families), and concurrent planning (or foster to adopt) (it it unlikely children will be returned to their birth families and will likely be available for adoption).

The process is not simple or easy, but the rewards truly outweigh the costs.

Have questions on the foster care process? Feel free to ask them here or email me at coopsmommy07 (at) aol (dot) com.

Next week, I will talk about what I have learned about adoptees, including what I've been accused of by an adoptee who read a comment I made on an adoption website.

Considering Foster Care Adoption

In celebration of National Adoption Month, I am planning a few posts on the topic of adoption, specifically adoption from foster care, since that is where I have experience myself. I do not consider myself a spokesperson or an expert by any means, but I am certainly an advocate.

I'm guessing that someone you know has adopted a child or was adopted themselves. I can name four adults off the top of my head who are close friends or family who were adopted. All of their experiences were vastly different, from the age at which they were adopted to the reasons leading up to termination of parental rights. I also know numerous families that have adopted children. Again, there are many different circumstances leading up to their adoptions. In both my adult adoptee friends, and families with adopted children, there are several who went through the foster care system.

Children in foster care are removed from their natural parents for numerous reasons, most often neglect or abuse. In many of these cases, there is no one in the child's natural family to care for them, either because they are not able, or not fit. While many are removed as infants, there are even more older children who are removed. Nearly 425,000 children are in the United States Foster Care system today, and 115,000 are currently available for adoption, meaning the rights of the natural parents have been terminated due mostly to abuse or neglect.

More children become available for adoption each year than are adopted. Some children wait three years or more to be adopted, often moving numerous times to different foster homes and group homes. The older a waiting child is, the less their chance for being adopted and having a permanent home and family.

I chose adoption through foster care because it was the more affordable option for me, and the most likely, considering I was adopting as a single parent. Most child welfare agencies cover the costs of homestudies and court fees, and offer a monthly stipend plus free medical insurance until the child is 18, as well as reimbursements for some costs before the adoption is finalized. Some employers offer reimbursements for costs and paid leave, and let's not forget the federal/state tax credits.

I believe with all my heart that adoption is truly a gift, to both parent and child. It's not about giving a child a better life, or about infertile parents begging for a child, or at least it shouldn't be. In fact, it's not really about the adoptive parents at all. It's about giving a child who needs it, a loving, nurturing, permanent home, which every child deserves.

For more information on how you can become qualified for foster care adoption, contact your local Social Services Agency.

Links and Resources:
Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption
National Adoption Day

Presidential Proclamation for National Adoption Month

Do you have any questions about foster care adoption, my personal adoption experience or a suggestion for a topic during National Adoption Month? Leave me a comment or email me at coopsmommy07 (at) aol (dot) com.

Wendy's Halloween Adoption Program

Did you know that Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's, was adopted?

Nearly 20 years ago, Dave Thomas started the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

From their website: 114,550 U.S. children are in foster care, waiting to be adopted. They have been removed from their homes as victims of child abuse, neglect or abandonment and are left without a family. The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption works on behalf of these children, because we believe every child deserves a permanent home and loving family.

Obviously, adoption awareness is a topic that is dear to my heart. You can help by purchasing some of Wendy's Trick or Treat Frosty coupon books for just $1. I plan on picking some up and including the Frosty coupons in the treat bags for Cooper's school.

"Not only does the coupon program generate national awareness for the Foundation, but the support it provides has been extraordinary,” said Rita Soronen, executive director of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. “Initiatives like the Halloween program provide the resources for the Foundation to continue to ensure that every child has the opportunity to grow and thrive in a loving and permanent home.”

Click here to visit the Foundation's website to learn more.

October 2 - A Tribute to Family

Tomorrow is October 2, 2010.

Tomorrow marks the second anniversary of Cooper legally becoming a part of our family.

It would also be my dad's 72nd birthday.

I thought I would share with you a couple of posts I wrote back in April & May. A special tribute to the history of this day in our family.

October 2  (Repost)

My Cooper came home in November of 2007. Thanksgiving that year was amazing, full of family, love and joy at this new arrival. My dad, who had been very sick for several years, had a great day, and was so excited to meet his grandson, who was just ten weeks old. My dad died just five weeks later.

Cooper with Grandpa & Gram on Day 1

Fast forward to September of 2008. I was preparing to sign adoption papers, to finalize Cooper's adoption. The attorney called me to set up a time for the court finalization. The day it would all be official. No more court dates. No more Social Worker visits. No more sitting on pins and needles waiting, hoping, praying. She told me I could request a date that would work for us, or that was significant to me. Her exact words were, "If you wanted, say, October 2, we could ask for that." My heart skipped a beat, and I felt my face get hot, as tears filled my eyes.

October 2 was my dad's birthday.

My dad and me on his birthday10 years ago.

I slowly asked her why she mentioned that date. She told me it was her son's birthday. I said, "That's the day I want. That was my dad's birthday and he died shortly after meeting Cooper."

The Attorney was quiet for a moment, then said, "I'll do everything I can to request that date."

Grandpa & Cooper watching Ducks Hockey

A few weeks later, I received a letter in the mail, stating that our court date was indeed scheduled for October 2. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. This would be the first birthday since he died, and what could have been a day to mourn, became a day to dance. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to honor my dad.

On October 2, I cried again, as the judge said that he was mine. Forever mine. I cried happy tears for us, and for my dad, who I know was with us that day. We'll celebrate that day every year, and it will not only be about how we became a family, but about sharing with Cooper about his Grandpa, and how much he loved him.

"There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven: 

a time to be born and a time to die...

a time to mourn and a time to dance..." Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Signed, Sealed, Finalized!  (Repost)

There are many important dates in an adoption:

"Gotcha" Day (as some refer to the day you bring your child home)

The .26 Hearing (the day parental rights of the natural parents are terminated)

The Signing (the day legal papers are signed before the adoption can be finalized)

The Finalization (The final court hearing when the child is legally yours) 

These are the most memorable for me, although every adoptive parent has their own. I've shared before about the importance of the date I chose for our finalization, but today I'm going to talk a little bit about the day itself.

I don't remember what time we got to the courthouse, or how long it took to get inside. I don't remember much of what the judge or the attorney said. It was an overwhelming day; I was overwhelmed with the feelings and emotions of exactly what that day meant.

I had heard stories about adoptive parents getting emotional during their finalization hearing, and I was determined to keep myself together. The judge asked if I agreed to “bestow upon him all the rights of a natural-born child?” With a lump in my throat, I nodded, yes. Then he told me we were bound together forever as parent and child, and the tears came. Nearly seven years of agony were over. I was a mother in every sense of the word.

This is the only picture I have of us with the judge. Sorry, the lighting was terrible...

There is something inherently different about adoption - with childbirth, no one asks you if you promise to love and keep your child, but with adoption, you make a verbal and legally binding commitment to the child whom you have chosen to parent.  You stand before a judge, and numerous other county employees, and make a conscious decision to take on the responsibility of the life another human being.

It was the greatest, most selfless thing I have ever done.

Words That Matter

I've been finding a lot of meaningful quotes lately, that I would love to put up all around my house, as small reminders of what's most important in my life. My son, my family, my faith. Since I really don't have the wall space to keep adding framed words, I thought I would begin sharing them here.

Im thinking that each week, I will share a new quote and why it's meaningful to me. I would love to hear how it touches you as well.

I saw this quote on the adoption blog Grown in My Heart the other day...

Christopher Robin looked long and hard at Pooh's face.

"Are you learning me by heart?" asked Pooh.

"No," he answered, "I know you by heart. You are inside my heart."

-A.A. Milne

Oh yeah, this one got me. Actually, a lot of A.A. Milne's words get to me, but this one more than others.

"I know you by heart. You are inside my heart."

That pretty much sums up what adoption means to me. My son is a part of me, and I him. We are not connected by biology, but by our hearts. And there is no stronger bond than the bond of love.

Adoption - Fate or Chance?

I recently came across this article about Sandra Bullock.

In the article, Sandra, who adopted her son earlier this year, talks about what she believes about adoption. She says, "Everything works out the way the universe wants it to work out. We had always said that it didn't matter where the child came from. If they had issues that were medical issues, we didn't care. It's like the child that needed us in the home is the child that's going to be placed."

I've read conflicting things on this topic of fate in adoption. From everything happens for a reason, to life is a game of chance. Some believe that God placed these children in their lives, and vice versa, others wonder why a loving God would put a child in harm's way just so others could be parents.

While this is far too philisophical a topic for me to tackle, it did make me think.

So here's what I believe:
- I believe that God led me to adoption.
- I believe that the child who needed me at the time "found" me at the time I needed him.
- I believe that we were meant for each other.
- I believe that I could not love my son any more if it was "fate" or simply by chance that we were brought together.

What do YOU believe?

Allergies, Part 2

Like I mentioned in this post, Cooper was tested for allergies. And it was a very traumatic experience. For me. I had to hold the poor thing down while they took four viles of blood. Ouch! (That's the sound of his Skechers kicking my thighs). Yes, it was a painful experience for him, but I am so thankful I did it.

Let me start from the beginning...

My pediatrician had always said that, because of his severe excema, it was probable that Cooper would have allergies. She even suggested at 18 months that I have him tested, because I was nervous about peanuts especially. But I just didn't want to put my baby through that experience if I didn't have to. So I told her I was going to bring a peanut butter sandwich with me to his two year appointment. She laughed.

I think she thought I was kidding.

I wasn't. I whipped that sandwich out at our 2 year check-up, and had him take a bite. He seemed to do fine, just complaining that something was stuck in his throat. We figured it was the texture he didn't like, and that was that. Yay, he wasn't allergic to peanuts! Since then he has had the same reaction when eating anything with nuts, and eventually would refuse it, saying he didn't like it. I started to get suspicious...

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

Our babysitter had a friend stop by with a dog. Now, I knew Coop had sensitive skin and that if a dog were to lick his face, it may irritate him a bit, but just for a few minutes. This time was different.

I got a call from Rick as I was getting ready to go home from work, telling me that my son was having an allergic reaction. I asked if he was breathing, which he was. Rick told me his eyes were swollen and he was sneezing, and red and blotchy. I hurried home to see my son sitting on the couch, eyes almost swollen shut, skin red and itchy, looking so very uncomfortable. He was most definitely having an allergic reaction.

Scared the H-E-double hockey sticks out of me.

I scooped him up and took him to urgent care. He was back to normal within a couple of hours, and without medicine, but I was convinced now that we needed to have the testing done.

So, here's the results:
Highly allergic to DOGS (hence the reaction to the friend's dog)
Moderately allergic to CATS, PEANUTS, WALNUTS, SHRIMP, DUST, AND MOLD

I am now the proud parent of an allergic kid. I'm nervous because I've never had to deal with allergies myself for anyone in my family, other than Rick's daughter Gracie who is also allergic to peanuts. So we have become a no peanut household. We're preparing to see an allergist to determine the severity and preventative steps and to see if there's anything else to be worried about. In the meantime, I've got an Epi-pen, and a year's supply of Benadryl, just in case.

Allergies, Excema and Medical History in Adoption

One of the fears I have always had as an adoptive parent, even before Cooper arrived, was allergies. I realize that even with a bio child, there can be allergies that are unexpected, but with a child who was adopted, there is a lot of family history that you may not know. In my case, I know very little.

When a child is removed from the bio parents care, an extensive medical history is requested from the bio parents. Both parents were present to give information, but the BM was very unsure of her family's history. BD was a little more helpful, but still lacking quite a bit of information. So I have been constantly worried about what could potentially pop-up in the future.

Allergies & Excema, Part One:
My little guy had severe eczema as an infant. It was so bad that he got infections twice on his poor little cheeks, and required rounds of antibiotics. He would also get severe diaper rashes that turned almost immediately into yeast infections, requiring more steroids and antibiotics.

This picture was taken at his baptism, when he was four months old. See how red his cheeks are? That's after four days of antibiotics, and lots of this stuff:

Eucerin Calming Cream. It was recommended by the Dermatologist when the Aquaphor just made his condition worse. If you have a child with excema, this stuff rocks!

Thankfully, Coop seems to have outgrown the worst of it, but we still take precautions with his skin.


Because of the seriousness of his skin condition, our pediatrician suspected he would have allergies as well, so last week, finally, we had him tested. More about the results in my next post. Stay tuned...

The Big Boy Room Reveal

Cooper moved into a big boy bed in February, and I *FINALLY* finished it!!

Here's what we started with:

 A not so eclectic mix of whatever.

And woods that didn't really match.

We needed two beds as Gracie, Rick's daughter, is with us on weekends. This posed a bit of a dilemma since the room couldn't be too much "boy" because a little girl would be sharing it.

I decided I would start with the bedding.

After much, much blog and web surfing I settled on bedding from Pottery Barn Kids. This was definitely a splurge, but so worth it. Their coordinating "Morgan" bedding made it easy to mix and match a quilt for Cooper, and a duvet for Gracie, since we already had a comforter for her. The sheets are PBK "Bedtime Stories" with animals reading story books - too cute!

And here's the finished space!

(Sorry I had to leave the railing on the bed...it's just too much of a pain to put back up!!)

The curtains behind the beds add great texture and height. Doesn't hurt that they were on 80% clearance at JCPenney! Yup, that's right, the curtains were under $10 per set! They also help to cover up the ugly blinds. Thanks to Wendy at The Shabby Nest for the great ideas!

The artwork above the beds is from Tiddliwink Designs, where you can find affordable PBK coordinating artwork. It was just $20 for four 8x10 prints! She designed it specifically at my request, since she didn't have the Bedtime Stories line on her website.

I made the headboards myself with fabric and batting from Joann's (love that 40% off coupon!) and pieces of plywood that I had cut at Home Depot.

The dresser was a Country Roads find, from my friend Kate's space. I love the element of shabbiness it adds to all of the new pieces in the room.

The lamp is another PBK piece, purchased with a gift card after Cooper arrived.

The "Wish" sign was on clearance at Marshall's.

All you Mommies know how much artwork comes home with your kids. Well, I've seen many ideas for how to display them out there in the bloggy world, but I decided to work with what I had on hand.

Nails, twine and clothespins. Works for me!

I also found these cute hooks at Ikea for $4. Perfect for hats and backpacks.

Now, for the best part of the room.

I present...

The reading corner!

This is my absolute favorite part of the room!!!

I wanted to keep with the Bedtime Stories theme, and since we have so many books (this is only half of our stash) I wanted a reading corner.

The shelving unit is from Ikea, and was incredibly easy to put together. The green chair was a gift card purchase from PBK. The Stitch artwork was a splurge from Disneyland right after Cooper came home...it has special meaning to me with the adoption theme. And of course since Stitch is reading a book, it fits in with my room theme as well!

The rocking chair was mine when I was little, made by my grandfather when I was just a year old.

And the tree, oh yes, the tree.

A few months ago Gracie told me we needed a tree. I finally obliged!

I work for a church, and last week was VBS. The African theme was "Under the Baobab Tree" and our fantastic youth group created these amazing trees to decorate our campus. I called dibs on a few of the branches and part of a trunk on the first day! It's just crumpled brown kraft paper, a little brown paint and strips of green tulle tied to the branches.

Cooper was beyond excited. As I was stapling the branches up (yup, staple gunned to the walls and the ceiling), he was running up and down the hall yelling "Thank you! Thank you!" Not bad - an unpromted thank you from my three year old!

So there it is, Cooper's Big Boy Room! What do you think?

Before:

After!

The Day I Met the Love of My Life

I've shared various parts of my adoption story at Wednesday's Walk; how I came to choose adoption, our finalization day and choosing the date, and the steps along the way. I haven't written a post like this in a while, so today, I'd like to share the most precious story of our journey.

The day we met.

November, 2007

I was waiting for the phone call, the one that said my baby was ready for me.

At birth, my son had been placed with a wonderful foster mother who had taken great care of him for the first nine weeks of his life. I had already had the presentation, received photos, and waited on pins and needles while a judge decided my child's fate.

I received the call from my Social Worker on November 19, saying that we were clear, and I could finally meet my baby. The plan was for me to go and visit with him the next day, on a Tuesday evening, and come back to pick him up and take him home the following day.

Monday night was filled with much preparation and anticipation. I washed bedding, set up the nursery, and bought an infant car seat and a few outfits, including a "Baby's First Thanksgiving" outfit, since the holiday was just three days away. My purchases were still in my car when I went to visit the foster mom's house the next day.

I barely slept that night, and just plowed through work the next day, as it was really NOT where I wanted to be. I even agonized over what to wear, because, you know, first impressions and all.

The thirty minute car ride to the foster mother's house, I just kept telling myself to breathe. I was about to meet my child for the first time.

When I pulled up, I realized my Social Worker wasn't there yet, and I was 20 minutes early. My heart was racing as I walked up the pathway to the front door and rang the bell.

A child answered, and went to get her mother, who came down the hall with an infant wrapped in a soft blue and white striped blanket. Tears filled my eyes as she placed the baby in my arms. 

"Here's your baby," she said, smiling; and to my son, "Meet your Mama."

I just held him and looked at him for the next 30 minutes until the Social Workers arrived. Like I mentioned, the plan was that this would be just a visit and I would come back and pick him up the next evening. The foster mom questioned the Social worker, "Why can't she just take him home tonight."

I don't think I took a breath for the next minute while the Social Workers pondered her suggestion.

"I guess that would be ok." That's when my mind started racing. Could I really do this alone? "Do you have a car seat?"

I told the Social Worker I had purchased the car seat, but hadn't even taken it out of the box yet. That had been on tonight's agenda! They set it all up for me while I just got to hold my baby.

I signed the paperwork, gathered up his belongings, said goodbye to the Social Workers and hugged the foster mom. We were off to start our lives together.

I remember praying in my heart as I secured him in the car, asking God for guidance, and above all thanking him for the most precious gift of my life.

From The Heart

A couple of months ago, I was invited to participate in an anthology of parents stories and poems. Write For Charity, a non-profit organization, created "From the Heart: Stories & Poems From the Frontlines of Parenting." I submitted my adoption story the night before the deadline, and low and behold, my story was chosen out of 500 to be one of 100 stories published. What an honor!

The project is to support children's charities, specifically Children's Hospitals and St. Jude Research. As a mommy, this makes it a project close to my heart. I can't imagine what I would do if I ever had to take advantage of the organizations this book is supporting, for my own son, but I am grateful to know they are there to help.

I hope you will take some time to read the information posted here about this collaboration, and consider purchasing a book.

Q: Tell me a little bit about this project.
A: From the Heart is the brainchild of the ladies at Write for Charity. After finding out that her youngest daughter needed surgery, our chief editor, Beth Davis, felt a driving urge to make a difference in the lives of children, particularly sick children. The idea of writing a book for charity had been thrown around our office for some time, but she jumped in with both feet to get it moving. Understanding that writing a book in a short period of time would be an unrealistic task, the ladies went full steam ahead in search of collaborators.  They searched magazines, the blogosphere and writers groups from around the country for the best and brightest writing talent they could find, extending invitations as they went. After sorting through over 300 submissions over the course of several months, From the Heart was born. The book is a creative collaboration of nearly 100 different stories and poems from all aspects of parenting. July 1 was the kickoff to our 90 Day Challenge and we’ve been moving ahead with book sales ever since!

Q. What is the 90 Day Challenge?
 A: The 90 Day Challenge is a book sales drive that represents a goal that we set for ourselves and the collaborative authors who are choosing to participate. The goal is to jumpstart sales of From the Heart in the first 90 days by selling 10,000 copies of the book and raising a large lump sum of money for charity immediately.  The book is currently only available for sale on our website at http://www.writeforcharity.com/, but it will be available at many other retail locations following the 90 Day Challenge.

Q: Why not make it available through a national distribution channel during your 90 Day Challenge?
 A: We elected to sell the book at www.writeforcharity.com during 90 Day Challenge and wait to distribute the book into bookstores like Barnes and Noble and Borders and on website like Amazon.com due to the costs associated with a distributor. By selling the book on our website, we are able to control in house costs, raise profit margins and, in turn, donate more money to our selected charities.

Q. Who will benefit from this project? 
A: The desire to contribute to children’s charities has driven this project from the very beginning. Since the minute we decided to publish this book, we knew that children’s hospitals and juvenile disease research foundations would be the beneficiaries when it came to fruition. All of the profits from this book will be split between various Children’s Hospitals and St. Jude’s Children’s Research Center.

Q: So, 100% of proceeds from this project go to charity?
A: One hundred percent of profits will go to our selected charities. Obviously with a project like this, you have printing costs, but other than that, we have committed all of the funds to our selected charities. Our authors have donated their work, our editors have donated their time and our graphics people have donated their talent. We are very lucky to have such a wonderful group of talented people involved in this project.  For a list of contributors, visit www.writeforcharity.wordpress.com/the-authors. 

Q: Tell us something we don’t know about your project.  
A: Well, the biggest thing would definitely have to be the caliber of our contributors. We have several nationally recognized writers in our group of nearly 80 contributors and many of our contributors have been featured in nationally distributed publications, on popular websites or on television. Their willingness to donate their work to our cause is admirable and I know that everyone who reads this volume will enjoy their poems and stories. Together with our contributors, we have begun a grassroots effort to raise funds for our wonderful charities that is growing by the day. Their eagerness to help get the word out about the book is admirable and we appreciate their support.

Q: What’s it in for me to support this project?
A: The charity situation on a national level has taken a severe beating as of late. Many incidents of run ins with unsavory “charities” have appeared in the media in the past several years. Many individuals and companies have completely lost trust in those trying to do good work because of a few “bad eggs.” Many individuals have contributed time and effort to put this project together. Our authors contributed their work out of the kindness of their hearts and our editor, layout artist and designers all contributed time as well. Because they believe in the mission behind this project, to help children in need, we hope you will take the time to support us and purchase a copy of the book. The book in itself is a fantastic product and by purchasing, you are helping a good cause.

Q: How can I support Write for Charity’s From the Heart?
A: There are a number of different things you can do to support the project. First and foremost, you can click here to buy a book!  On our website, we have the ever popular blog buttons which I have starting seeing crop up all over cyberspace. You are welcome to download the “supporter” button for your own website if you are so inclined. This is the first anthology we have done and with the success we are already seeing with it, we know it won’t be the last. Contact one of our editors at press@writeforcharity.com for more information on how you can contribute to one of our upcoming projects or help to support our current project.

My Best Friend is Pregnant

Yup. Due February 25, 2011.

I'm happy for her. Mostly. I think.

Yes, definitely happy for her, but, sad for me. I wonder how long it will take for that sadness to go away. I keep thinking, here we go, another baby shower, another trip to the hospital maternity ward where my son was born and I wasn't there to hold him.

My son was born to a drug addicted mother in September of 2007 in a local hospital. I had been to that hospital just nine months prior, to see my best friend's firstborn son less then 24 hours after his birth. I was the only person outside of family she would allow into the room, and I'm sure that this next birth will be no different. Except that it will be different. I am different.

That day I went to visit her, I struggled with my emotions as I was in the midst of a waiting game - diagnosed with infertility, and waiting for my adoption placement. I cried on the way to the hospital and I cried all the way home.

It's been nearly three years. Nearly three years since my son was born in that same hospital to the drug addicted mother. The same hospital that my best friend will give birth in and my future god-child will take his or her first breaths. The same hospital that I will be expected to visit.

I imagine walking down the hall, wondering if this is the same room that my son was born in, if these were the same nurses who held him and cared for him. I'll pass the NICU and feel the pangs of guilt that I wasn't there to hold him when he was there, struggling. I'll watch mothers leaving in wheelchairs holding their newborns close, protecting them from harm, and long to share that same memory.

Yes, I'm grateful that I have my son, and I'm grateful to the woman who gave birth to him. But I don't know how I'm going to walk into that hopital knowing that I couldn't be there when he needed me the most.

Yes, I'm happy for my friend, but this time it will be different, because I'm different.

The Grief That Comes with Infertility

I want to say first, that most of this post was written a couple of years ago to be shared with a group of adoptive mothers, many of whom have struggled or are struggling with infertility. I'm sharing it here, as support for other IF women; you are not alone, your feelings are valid, and don't let anyone tell you different.

The first baby shower I went to after being diagnosed with IF (and before adoption) was for my best friend I've known since Jr. High. I had never dreaded anything more in my life. I went, because she had always supported me through everything, and I was genuinely happy for her, but it was very hard for me.

She had asked me to be the "official photographer," so I brought my camera and while people were still arriving, I went outside to take pictures of the decorations, tables, and gifts. As soon as I stepped outside I started to cry. I had to go around to the side of the house and compose myself before rejoining the party. I didn't even tell my friend about this breakdown until a year after her son was born.

A year after I brought my son home, when I thought I was well past the sadness, my small "Mommies Only" Bible Study group had a baby shower for two of our members. Again, I was dreading it, but went anyway. They played those stupid baby shower games (I realize some people like the games, but I'm just not one of them). The first game was all about prenancy myths. Ugh. I didn't play; I just couldn't do it. A well-meaning friend asked why I wasn't playing and I gave the generic shrug, "I don't like games." But you know what I wanted to say? "Well, since I have never been, nor will I ever be, pregnant, I have no idea what the answers could be, so it would be pointless for me to play, thankyouverymuch," because that's how I felt. After the games they opened their gifts; and then came the stories about childbirth and labor, and blah, blah, blah...that's when I went back to the kitchen to help clean up. I was so glad when that was over!

Friends and family have been so supportive of me going through IF and adoption, that I feel I should be there supporting them, so as not to seem ungrateful or selfish. I don't enjoy it, it makes me sad, and I just don't wanna go (*stamping feet and crossing arms*)!

I entered adoption feeling that I had completely grieved not being able to give birth to a child; to see myself in my child's eyes or smile; and for the most part, I had. I was happy for friends who were pregnant, and had stopped tearing up when I saw a pregnant woman or walked by the maternity clothing store. But the baby showers...ouch.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have a wonderful, committed relationship. He and his ex-wife get along like great friends, and she and I have reached that point as well. They have two beautiful children between them, and while I love those kids as if they were my own, there is some sadness at what I will never have. While we're happy with the children we have between us, I know that I will never have the connection with him that she has, and that is at times, incredibly difficult for me.

Adopting as a single mom, I didn't experience that same "guilt" that some IF women have, not being able to "give" their partner a biological child. I had never thought about infertility as something I would never share with my partner. I look at Rick with his son and daughter and can see the combination of their parents in their faces, in fact, I find myself looking for it, and it just makes me sad, not because of what I can't give him, but because it's a part of him that I will never be able to share.

So does all of this mean I'm really not done grieving? I don't know. I think any loss of this magnitude takes years upon years to grieve, but it will always be with you. Infertility is a part of who I am, and who I will never be. It's like a death, it's not something you can just "get over" or "forget," but something that takes time, lots of it to learn to accept and to heal. And I'm ok with that.

My Mr. Wonderful

Let me tell you a bit about my Mr. Wonderful...

Rick and his ex vowed when they separated, to remain in each other's lives and to co-parent, because they felt it was the best way to achieve some normalcy for their children. And they did, and it was. Even though they both have new relationships, they have continued to strive for the same sort of normalcy, and their children are, as their mom puts it, winners. The best part is that we all get along, all four of the adults in these children's lives, and that is a tribute to the strengths of their parents.

Almost any man can father a child, but some never fully understand what it means to be a Dad. Rick loves his children fiercely, and has their best interests at heart all of the time. While he may not live in the same house, or see them every day, he stays on top of what is going on in their lives. He loves his children the most, and it's evident every single day. He is always taking advantage of those "teachable moments," sometimes in unconventional ways. The pride he has radiates from his smile, he is heart broken when they are apart, and when his daughter goes home after a weekend with us, he misses her before she's even gone. His love for and commitment to his children is something I strive for as a parent.

Chris, Rick's son, just graduated from High School, and Rick was sharing with me some of the sadness at that time being over with, but that he feels secure knowing that he gave his son the best childhood he could, and how he put all he had into molding him to be a good person and teaching him right from wrong. He grieved a bit, as I'm sure most parents do, but he stayed positive saying, "now it's on to molding Gracie...and Cooper."

Rick was there for me through one failed adoption and has been with me since day one of bringing my Cooper home. I don't know if I can ever express truly what a blessing and gift from God Rick is to my son's life. I had no worries adopting as a single mom, expecting that my child would have positive male role models in my father, and in my brother-in-law and teenage nephews. Life took some unexpected turns, and Rick has effortlessly taken a positive place in Cooper's life. He has become the role model Cooper needs, even though he didn't have to be. My son will benefit from his wisdom, his humor, his honesty, his ethics, and his love.

Not only is he an incredible father, but partner to me as well. He is the Shrek to my Fiona...saving me, helping and encouraging me to be my most true self. As I shared in the story of how we met, we have had some struggles, but I believe with all my heart that God blessed my life by bringing this man into it.

He has seen me at my worst, and stuck by me. He’s suffered through my issues with trust, and has healed my broken heart. He has wiped my tears of self doubt, held me through the heartache of letting go, and rejoiced with me in times of triumph. He is kind, confident, brutally honest, hard working, funny, independent, secretly compassionate, knows how to be silly, and is the smartest man I know. He is my best friend ~ he accepts me, all of me, for who I am, and I love him for it. He has supported me and cared for me and I am so deeply and endlessly grateful to have him in my life.

Happy Father's Day Honey ~ YOU are my WONDERFUL!

(Join the "Mr. Wonderfulest" Contest at My Little Life.)

Signed. Sealed. Finalized!

There are many important dates in an adoption:

"Gotcha" Day (as some refer to the day you bring your child home)

The .26 Hearing (the day parental rights of the natural parents are terminated)

The Signing (the day legal papers are signed before the adoption can be finalized)

The Finalization (The final court hearing when the child is legally yours) 

These are the most memorable for me, although every adoptive parent has their own. I've shared before about the importance of the date I chose for our finalization, but today I'm going to talk a little bit about the day itself.

I don't remember what time we got to the courthouse, or how long it took to get inside. I don't remember much of what the judge or the attorney said. It was an overwhelming day; I was overwhelmed with the feelings and emotions of exactly what that day meant.

I had heard stories about adoptive parents getting emotional during their finalization hearing, and I was determined to keep myself together. The judge asked if I agreed to “bestow upon him all the rights of a natural-born child?” With a lump in my throat, I nodded, yes. Then he told me we were bound together forever as parent and child, and the tears came. Nearly seven years of agony were over. I was a mother in every sense of the word.

This is the only picture I have of us with the judge. Sorry, the lighting was terrible...

There is something inherently different about adoption - with childbirth, no one asks you if you promise to love and keep your child, but with adoption, you make a verbal and legally binding commitment to the child whom you have chosen to parent.  You stand before a judge, and numerous other county employees, and make a conscious decision to take on the responsibility of the life another human being.

It was the greatest, most selfless thing I have ever done.

Adoption Quote of the Day

Biology

is the least of what makes someone a

mother.

-Oprah Winfrey

Ten Things to NOT say to an Adoptive Parent

Adoption is a sensitive issue, and people who have not experienced it, cannot begin to imagine what it's really like. I want to emphasize that this post is not to make me appear defensive, and I do not intend to offend anyone, but rather to keep it somewhat light-hearted. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it's my responsibility to my son, to educate others on positive and negative language surrounding adoption. While I believe that people generally are not trying to be insensitive, the words that come out of their mouths sometimes just make me want to smack them.

I have had strangers, and even friends, ask the following questions or make the following comments:

1. He looks just like you, it was meant to be! or He looks just like he could be yours!
No, he really doesn’t. We may both have fair skin, or similar noses, but I am completely aware of the fact that he does not share my DNA, and really don't need to be reminded of it. Just tell me he's beautiful - I will happily agree even if I can’t take credit for that.

2. How much did he cost?
Got him on sale, and I had a coupon!! Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.

3. Do you know anything about his real mother?"
I am his real mother. I am going to raise him, sit with him when he is sick, bandage his owies, and pay for college. His birth mother gave birth to him, and for that I will always be grateful, but he is mine and I am his real mother.

4. Are you going to have any children of your own?
See above. He is my own son and I will love him more than you can know.

5. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Sorry, it's physically impossible, and unless God decides Jesus needs a sister, I will not become pregnant now that I have adopted. Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant three months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting, so it's better not to mention this to families adopting their first child.

6. Was his mom on drugs? Are you worried he might have problems later on?
Darn! I forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! First of all, the circumstances regarding my son's birth are none of your business, thankyouverymuch. He's my son, and if any medical issues arise, I will deal with them the same as you would your children.

7. Why did they take him away? or Why did she give him away/give him up?
Again, none of your beeswax! "They" did not "take him away," and she did not "give him away" or "give him up." Parental rights of the birthparents are terminated for specific reasons, because it is in the best interest of the child for their safety and well being. (In the case of open adoptions, the positive language would be to say that the birthmother "chose adoption.")

8. Are you going to tell him he's adopted?
The noneofyourbusinessgetoutofmyface response is becoming wildly popular. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of his life story and he will know from day one that he is incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.

9. Is he yours? (I haven't personaly heard this one, but other's have, so it's worth sharing, and it's the one I have the best answer to)
Nope, he's on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking him for a test drive to see if I want to keep him. (Here's your sign...)

And my personal favorite...

10. He's so lucky.
Correction, I am the lucky one. He has changed my life in ways you can only imagine.

And because I don't like posts with no pictures...see how lucky I am?

Wednesday's Walk: The .26 Hearing

Today’s walk will take us back about two years, to June of 2008. In my adoption journey, this was one of those “big days.” The .26 hearing. The day when the rights of the birthparents are terminated. For me, it was the day that I could finally exhale; for the first time in seven months, I could breathe again.

I remember getting the phone call from my social worker. Every time my phone would ring during those seven months, and even for weeks after, I would hold my breath, and my hands would tremble just a bit. She told me that the hearing had been uneventful, and rights had been terminated. My son was legally “available” for adoption. Tears filled my eyes, as I thanked her, and we went on to discuss the next steps, the signing of papers, the finalization, etc.

This is the kind of day adoptive parents celebrate quietly, at least I did. The success of making it to this day is bittersweet, as it is a beginning, and in a sense, an ending. It meant that my son was able to be mine forever, that we would be able to be a family, but also that someone had lost him, and that he had lost a little piece of himself.

That evening we went to the park, and I put him in a swing for the first time. He laughed, big belly laughs, the kind where your whole body shakes with giddiness, and he loved every single minute of it.

I had asked my boyfriend to come with us, and he brought his camera and snapped a few photos. I love these photos, because they look to anyone, like just a day at the park, but for me, they mark the beginning of the end of our adoption journey.